Performative Posting, Sensory Overwhelm, & the Pressure to be Present with Alaina Brubaker
In our inaugural episode of IT'S A LOT, host Emily Hessney Lynch chats with therapist Alaina Brubaker about the complexities of social media and parenthood. We discuss Alaina's daughter's fake podcast at age 4 and the conversations they had around online privacy and consent, how it feels weird to be called "mom" sometimes, why it's worth discussing the highs and lows of parenting, performative posting, the sensory overwhelm of parenting littles, the pressure of being 100% present for every moment of every day, and more.
Find Alaina on Instagram at @alaina_talks_therapy and Emily at @servemethesky.
This is a production of the Lunchador Podcast Network. Our logo was created by Tenderchomps Art.
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Transcript
One of our dogs, every time he's in the high chair goes bork, BORK! She stands eight feet away from the high chair cuz she's scared of it. But she wants to beg for food. And the other two dogs beg right at his feet.
Alaina:Oh my goodness.
Emily:But she's eight feet away going "BORK!" I'm losing my mind.
Hello and welcome to It's A Lot, a podcast about things that are a lot.
t and so is being a parent in:I'm your host, Emily Hessney Lynch, and today I'm excited to be chatting with Alaina Brubaker. Alaina is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over a decade of experience.
d her own private practice in:I love the sound of that. Alaina, welcome to the show.
Alaina:Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.
Emily: You started your Instagram in: Alaina:Yep.
Emily:And you have been creating content for all those years.
You did take a break, which we'll talk about, but for folks who aren't familiar with your Instagram account, can you just give us the elevator pitch for that? Share what kind of content you create there?
Alaina:Yes.
So I'm terrible at elevator pitches because I'm a therapist and tend to be long winded, but my therapy platform is normalizing therapy, humanizing therapists. And I share what I feel like is authentic to my own growth and themes that I've noticed with my clients.
And I just, I want therapy to be more accessible to everyone.
Emily:It seems like your content there has really resonated with people over the years. Can you talk a little bit about, like, the following you've grown and what kind of feedback you've gotten?
Alaina:Yeah. So for the most part, it's been really positive feedback.
It's encouraged people to get into their own therapy or sometimes have different conversations with their therapist from the things that I have created on there.
And I think because I post from a place of authenticity, people are drawn to that and they feel like they can connect with me because I'm not posting what I think I should post, or I also haven't used it as a huge tool to grow my business. So I think it feels a little less pressured.
And I do get the sense that people feel that when they interact with me on Instagram, that it's not as pressured as I think some people. Some people's social media is.
Emily:Yeah, there's so much mental health content out there now, which is great. But a lot of people are selling things like workshops, books, courses, and some of them aren't the most qualified.
So I think your authenticity definitely shines through. And the fact that you're not promotional probably helps with that.
Alaina:I think it does, yeah.
Emily:Thinking about, like, starting the Instagram all those years ago, how did you come up with boundaries for that?
Because you're a therapist and you're a parent, how did you figure out what you would share about your clients, your work, your own life, all of that?
Alaina:Yeah. That was one of the things I was most nervous about, starting a social media as a therapist, having a public platform. And so I, I had thought about it for several years before starting my professional Instagram. And so I would say I started off probably more conservatively with boundaries than I do now.
And one of my major filters, no pun intended, is would I mind if one of my clients brought this up with me in session? And if I would feel hesitant or if I would feel like, I guess I wish they didn't know this about me, I'm not going to post it on my social media.
might remember this from our:And I post on the weekends, but I still try to keep more of a professional relationship with that Instagram, which has kept it healthier for me. Yeah.
Emily:I imagine that only business hours thing was pretty hard to stick to.
Alaina:It was. It was. So I think it started out feeling more professional, and then as I got comfortable, it felt more casual, it felt more relational. Yeah.
And sometimes it's what you have time for, too. So as I became more comfortable, I loosened those boundaries, which I think is okay.
Emily:Yeah. No, it makes sense to adapt our boundaries as we go. Right.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:I'm curious how you think about sharing your kids on your work account and then you. Do you have a personal account, too?
Alaina:I do.
Emily:Do you share more of your kids on your personal account, or how do you navigate that?
Alaina:Yeah, so I... so what I share of my kids and my husband, too, I will share, like, the backs of their heads.
I might share, like, kind of a general anecdote about them, and. And. But for the most part, I share about myself as a parent, what I'm thinking about, what I'm struggling with, what I'm, you know, working through.
And on my personal account, I share more of them. I share their faces on my personal account, but I don't share a whole ton of details.
And it actually started when my oldest daughter was 4, and it was during the pandemic, and she had developed her own pretend podcast. It was adorable. She was sharing about hand washing. She was sharing about hoarding toilet paper. And I posted it on Facebook, and people loved it.
And they were like, send this to Ellen. Send this to Oprah. Like, this should. Everyone should see this. And then people started telling my daughter that they were seeing her.
They saw her videos, and she did not like that. She was like, mom, how did they see me? And I was like, well, I posted it on Facebook. And so we had to go through everything and who saw it.
And so after that, she became really guarded. She was like, I don't want to do my pretend podcast anymore. I don't want. I don't want this to be on Facebook.
And so that really caused me to really pause, and what do I share about my kids and why am I doing it? And, you know, this is also. When you teach your kids about consent, they use their consent.
They use their voice to tell you what they are and aren't comfortable with. And so that made me take a major step back in sharing them on. On social media, because they just.
They don't really like people to know things about them. They're, they're pretty private that way, and I'm proud of them for knowing those boundaries that they have for themselves, and I want to respect that. And I also think I am choosing to put myself out there on a public platform, but they aren't making that choice.
Even if they said they were okay with it, they're... they're not making that choice as kids. So.
And also, my husband doesn't have any social media, so he is also not comfortable having himself out there.
Emily:That's wild to have that experience with your daughter at four years old. Four! Wow.
I've thought a lot about my own child and how I want to share him on social media, or don't I only share the back of his head, never his face.
And it's just so interesting, the idea of consent, because I know he can't consent to it, he can't even understand it, but I wouldn't have thought that at 4 he might be capable of starting to understand that, to have that conversation with her.
Alaina:Yep. Yeah.
Emily:I'm glad you were respectful and like accepted the feedback too and changed because there are so many content creators who are parents who share their kids all the time and make money off of them. So definitely a different path that they are going down.
Alaina:Definitely a different path. It was really eye opening to see her comfort level and that feeling of violation that people knew stuff about her that she didn't tell them.
And so that really made me take a major step back and I guess I would rather err on the side of caution when it comes to them than do something that I can't take back in the future.
Emily:I'm glad she was comfortable speaking up to and telling you.
Alaina:I know, Me too. It was a pivotal moment in the social media journey.
So even on my private account, I don't share that much about them because again, it gets back to them. People tell them like, oh, I saw you on your mom's Instagram and it feels like, like a violation of trust.
Emily:Yeah, that's so strange.
Alaina:It is, isn't it?
Emily:Yeah. Is she podcast fake podcasting at all now?
Alaina:No, she, she really retired after that and it was, it was so cute. I should have just kept it to like our family. But yeah, she retired at 4.
Emily:Hopefully you both can still remember the video fondly and not feel bitter about it.
Alaina:No, we do. And she likes that she, like, got to assert herself in that moment.
So I actually told her I was going to tell this story tonight and she was like, "awesome."
Emily: itching gears a little bit in:Can you tell me a little bit about what prompted it and what you learned while you were gone?
Alaina: month break in:And I started to feel the pressure of always needing to respond to something, whether it's genocide, a school shooting, political issues. And I just, I didn't always have something to say in a public way.
I wanted to have conversations in my sessions about them with friends, one on one, but I didn't always have something to share on a public platform. And I Didn't want to post out of a place of pressure.
I also kind of thinking back on it, I wasn't doing a great job of taking preventative breaks, so taking like a week off, you know, and then coming back and taking two weeks off and then coming back, not doing it because I was burnt out, but doing it just for my mental health. And so I think it got to a place of burnout where I just felt like I don't even know what I'm gonna share anymore.
Like, I don't know what I wanna share. Nothing really feels authentic.
And so I thought it would take a break for a week or two, and then it ended up being 10 months and something I want to normalize because I feel like I hear this as a productivity tip. Like, you wanna be more productive, get off of social media and you'll be able to do so much more. I didn't do anything more. I just. I did.
I didn't accomplish anything else. I didn't set out any new business adventures, like, nothing. I just did my normal life. I was still, on my personal account, I just lived.
Life is enough. Life was enough.
Emily:It was plenty.
Alaina:It was plenty. I didn't add anything else. I wasn't, like, so much healthier or happier or anything. So I just.
I want to normalize that because I think people talk about Instagram breaks as, like, giving them so much more, like, health or happiness, and I didn't find that to be the case.
Emily:We don't always have to be optimizing our time and being, like, maximally productive.
Alaina:That's exactly right. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Emily:Well, I'm glad you took that break. It was such a hard time. I mean, it's always a hard time to be online now, and it's always a lot.
I don't know if you're familiar with the TikTok creator, Elyse Myers.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:She was basically bullied off of TikTok for not speaking up enough about different issues. And she's. She has a kid with, like, a heart defect and all kinds of medical issues, and she's very busy with her life. That is a lot.
And it just is rough out there for any kind of content creator. So I. I definitely empathize and I'm glad you could take a break.
And it's a good reminder that even therapists need to take a mental health break from social media.
Alaina:Yes. And your break is gonna depend on lots of factors.
And so, you know, I think we often think of breaks as a week or two, but it could be Longer like it. There's not a certain time cap on how long your break should be.
And, yeah, I didn't get any bullying or anything like that, but it was just, I think, seeing something like that, like Elyse Myers, seeing how other people get bullied or pressured, you know, that also adds to, like, what could people be saying or what might they say to you? The other thing I was thinking about with that, people assume.
They assume that if you're not talking about something on social media, you're not talking about it at all. And that really irritates me because there's so much that I don't talk about on my social media that I am talking about in my personal life.
And I might be donating and I might be volunteering and I might be protesting, but you're not seeing it on my social media. And maybe we'll get into that later, but that's. I think folks can have an assumption that what they see on social media is that person's whole life.
And. And I wish we could do a better job at changing our assumptions around what we see posted.
Emily:That's exactly what I was just gonna add. You've been a little bit more proactive about pointing out that some people are doing things offline that you don't know about, yourself included.
And I think the actions we take in the real world are so important, far more so than just posting an infographic in your Instagram story or whatever it may be, just to, like, show that you care about the issue.
Alaina:Exactly, exactly. That's the... the difference between performative action and... and a genuine, real action. And I guess I, I think we only have a certain amount of energy and capacity, and I would rather spend my energy and capacity doing something in my community than thinking about, like, what to share and how to phrase it.
Emily:Yeah, it's exhausting, all of that.
Alaina:Yeah, sure.
Emily:I know. With parenthood, too, maybe you can relate.
I think people think they see the whole of your parenthood picture and they don't know at all what you're going through based on whatever you post on social media. Like, I've been posting pictures of my baby's meals in my Instagram story, and people really enjoy them. But people are like, you are mom of the year.
Look at those meals you're making him. And I'm like, I am so struggling my ass off. What are you talking about? Like, we don't have enough childcare, and I'm stressed all the time.
I'm not, like, mom of the year. I'm constantly worried I'm on my phone around him too much.
There are so many different things, and we just make assumptions based on these small little slivers of people's lives. It's wild.
Alaina:It's wild.
There's also, like, a performative messiness, too, that, like, if you share something good on social media, you need to share the hard stuff, you need to share the mess, you need to share how you're struggling, and that can be performative as well in this interesting, like, course correction of just showing that life's not perfect. It's almost gone to the other side of the pendulum of, like, you need to be relatable, you need to share your struggles. And.
And, yeah, I think I just wish we could do better at assuming there's more to the story.
Whether someone is sharing positive things or their baby meals or what's going well, or whether they're showing, like, the mess in their house and how they spilled their coffee.
Emily:Yeah, absolutely. I.
Maybe in that vein, you could talk a little bit about some common issues you're seeing with your clients and your Instagram followers when it comes to, like, the social media impact on mental health.
Alaina:Yes.
Well, a big thing that's coming up is getting your news on social media and people feeling flooded by all the news that they're seeing on social media.
And that being, you know, it's a place that you're seeing your family and your friends and pet pictures, and then you're seeing, you know, pictures of war, and then you're seeing our current political issues played out. And so that has been really jarring for both followers and clients. And then there's the boundaries around social media.
I think people have, you know, an amount that they think they should be on, and then if they spend more time on social media, they feel guilty, they feel like they should be doing something else. And then I also, this is an evergreen issue comparison to other people. Like, you're saying about, you know, sharing your.
Your baby meals that people are like, oh, now she's mom of the year. I'm not making those baby meals. Like, am I a bad mom? And so that's an issue I see all the time.
Emily:Yeah. And getting back to that performative honesty thing you were talking about.
I've definitely seen people like, "our living room so messy," and they have, like, a single toy that they throw out there, like a scattering, artful scattering. It's like, this is so calculated, it's not even real. And we're all still comparing ourselves.
Alaina:Yes, yes. It's... it's like the effort to be relatable. And, and I do think, and maybe this is a part of, like, social media health is.
Is you could tune into your own intuition of what feels genuine and what feels authentic and what feels like it's forced or it's someone that is, like, really trying to be relatable. I... I think if we tuned into our gut and how we... we intuitively felt, I think we could have a much better compass on social media.
But I think people tend to tune that out.
Emily:Yeah, that's such good advice. I feel like a lot of the time we're just kind of dissociating, vegging out on our phones and consuming without thinking about it.
I try to be, like, pretty critical when I'm consuming content, and it often ends up with me being very riled up about whatever's popping up in my newsfeed. But yeah, being very conscious consumers and listening to our gut is great advice.
Is there anything that's working really well for your clients or yourself in terms of, like, coping with the mental health impact?
Alaina:So one is not getting your news on social media.
I know it's unavoidable, but if you could get your news from completely different platforms and not be using that as a place to learn about the world, our country. That has worked really well for me. That's worked really well for my clients. I know this can be controversial, but screen time limits.
I have a screen time limit where my husband has the passcode. And so I have never done the walk of shame to be like, can you put in my passcode? I used all my screen time, so that has worked really well for me.
And then being liberal with your follows and unfollows, and that goes back to the gut. Like, if someone, if you aren't feeling good following someone, it's okay to unfollow them. It's okay to mute them for a while and see how that feels.
Um, but be intentional about who you follow and who you don't and who kind of always brings up anxiety or even that feeling of comparison.
Emily:I'm curious if there's an app you use for that screen time limit or is that something built into the iPhone? Cause I've only done the iPhone built in one and I always just hit ignore.
Alaina:So it's built into the iPhone and there's a. There's like an. An additional thing that you can do to lock it instead of passcode. Okay, so it's still on the iPhone.
Emily:Yeah, I don't think I would do that walk of shame either. So maybe I need to try that.
Alaina:Yep. I... I suggest that to my clients. I'm like, "you have to be ready for this, because that's a pretty hard limit."
Emily:Yeah. Yeah. In the evenings, I'm always on my phone too much and kicking myself for it later, but it's rough.
Alaina:Like, why am I. Why am I not reading a book? Why am I scrolling?
Emily:And my baby has not liked sleep for a long time. So by the time he's finally in bed, I'm like, "okay, I'm just gonna look at my phone for an hour and feel bad about it." But, yeah, I'll try that tip.
Thank you.
Alaina:Let me know.
Emily:I'm curious. There's so much mental health content, like we were saying. I don't know if we've, like, reached a saturation or oversaturation point.
Perhaps we have, but what's some of the worst mental health advice you're seeing floating around Instagram these days?
Alaina:Yeah. Yeah, I struggle with that. There is an. There is a saturation. I can't say if we've reached that. That point of, like, it's too much.
One of the things I'm seeing is like, choosing your peace no matter what. And why I don't like that is because it doesn't address discomfort.
Which is a huge part of life is learning how to sit with discomfort and learning how to tolerate it. And if you're constantly, like, choosing your peace, it doesn't teach you that skill of discomfort. And it.
And I think it sends the message of, like, just always choose the easy route. Like, don't have that hard conversation. Choose your peace. Don't do that challenging thing. Choose your peace.
And so I just think that is really generic. And I feel like a huge issue with lots of people is not knowing how to deal with discomfort. And we have so many tools of avoidance.
And I just, I think that, like, you know, choosing your peace or choosing yourself is one of them that I see causing a lot of harm. And then the other one I see, particularly on Instagram, is like a perpetuation of individualism.
Like, you can, you know, heal yourself, do your own work, you know, do your self care without recognizing systems that contribute to mental health, without recognizing we heal in relationships and that we need community, we're wired for connection. And so I just see a lot of things that promote, like, "you can do all of this by yourself," and I think that's terrible advice.
Emily:Yeah, I would agree with that. With that, "your peace" thing is that... do they just mean, like, walk away from people who frustrate... like, what are they even saying by that?!
"Choose your peace"
Alaina:Yeah. I don't know. I think it's like, yeah, prioritize your peace. Choosing your peace. And I think that can mean, like, I think there's a...
Like, I'm a proponent of peace. Sure.
Emily:Aren't we all?
Alaina:I think it's a value. But, yeah, the message it gives is like, "walk away. They're not worth it."
And I'm sure, you know, lots of people have good intentions behind it, but I think, and I've seen this a lot, is it's used almost as a cover, like, as an avoidance of, like, "oh, I'm choosing my peace," or "I'm choosing myself." And I think there's a time and a place for that. But I've seen a lot of people use it as avoidance of discomfort or avoidance of doing hard things.
And I think we need a lot more practice of doing hard things in our current society.
Emily:Yeah, for sure. I think we're so fragmented and siloed these days, and a lot of that is probably because people are like, "oh, I'm... I'm uncomfortable. I'm gonna bounce. I'm done."
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:Not that we always need to.
Like, you don't need to tolerate an abuser or something like that, but there is a time and a place for trying to sit in those uncomfortable moments or have the hard conversations, like you said.
Alaina:Yes. And that's the nuance right there.
Like, I think, especially mental health professionals, we started to have those conversations because people were staying in unsafe relationships, tolerating abuse, and. Absolutely, you need to choose yourself and prioritize your peace in those situations. And then.
And I see this so often happen with social media, like, everyone else takes that advice and runs when it's like, "no, this would actually be healthy for you," but to tolerate this difficult conversation. So sometimes we mean it for more extreme situations, but then everyone else takes that advice for themselves.
Emily:Yeah. One size does not fit all with all this social media mental health advice.
Alaina:Exactly.
Emily:Yeah. And what you're talking about with individualism and the collective and capitalism is intertwined with that, of course.
I feel like that's a nice segue to our parenthood conversation too, because so often we're told that it takes a village, and not a lot of people have a village these days. When it comes to parenting, is there much that comes up with that with your clients who are parents?
Alaina:I mean, so much. So much. Yeah. We're told it takes a village.
We aren't told how to find that village, how to pay for that village and our society isn't set up for that village either. So loneliness comes up a lot. And that just the. The lack of support comes up so, so much.
And then there's also a perpetuation for moms in particular, but that they can do it all. And I think I particularly see this with millennial moms who grew up in the generation of, like, girls can do it. Girls are just as good as boys.
You know, there's a lot of, like, trying to level the playing field, but then no discussion about, like, how to go about doing it in your adult life. And I see this a lot is that in heteronormative couples, like, the male partner has not caught up to where the female partner is.
And so it creates a mental load disparity who's going to do things around the household or with the kids. So it's a. It's a huge issue. I mean, this is probably 75% of my sessions.
Emily:Yeah, that checks out. And I'm over here, like, "I don't have a village and I don't have enough childcare, and I'm going to start a podcast, working full time and teaching!"
So I am definitely falling into this trap.
Alaina:The millennial mom right here.
Emily:Yes. Yeah. So you're a parent of two. Correct. How old are your kids?
Alaina:Yes, my daughter is 10 and my son is almost 8.
Emily:What is it like having an 8 and a 10 year old? Because I have a 10 month old and I do not know what's in store.
Alaina:People call this, I think it's like five to maybe 11.
So I've heard it called the gravy years because they're out of that stage of intensely physically dating you, but they're not so old that they're annoyed by you or they're having, like, huge emotional issues. And. And while, like, there are still physical demands. Emotional demands.
I do find that this is a sweeter spot in parenting where we can do more with our kids. They're more independent, but they still like to spend time with us.
And so, again, I'm not saying there are no issues, but I have found this to be a really sweet spot in parenting.
Emily:That does sound like a great spot to be in.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:This was not on our questions list, so feel free to redirect if you don't want to talk about this, but how did you decide to have two kids? Did you always plan for two? Was there ever a time when you had the first and you were like, oh, I'm done.
This is a lot, like, how, how did you come to two?
Alaina:Yeah. Oh, I always thought I. I have come from. I have three sisters, so I'm one of four. And I always thought I would probably have three.
And so one, I knew I wasn't done. And then after two, I was like, oh, I don't think I could do this a third time.
So I think there are probably times when my daughter was going through growth spurts or we weren't sleeping that I was like, I can't do this again. But I did always feel like I wasn't done with one.
I also do wanna say, people say, you'll know if you wanna have more, if you wanna go for a second or a third. I don't think so. I mean, I think for some people, they know.
But I think that's one of those parenthood myths of you'll know, maybe you won't and that's okay. You can kind of like process it and communicate and then just make an informed decision. But I think that's a myth that you'll know.
Emily:Yeah. Even for us, we were like, "oh, we're ready as we'll ever be." And of course, like, who knows if you're ever truly ready.
And it was so different than what we expected. I think we're just like, "oh, we're having a baby, we're gonna get a nursery ready, it's gonna be great," you know, but you can't really understand it until you're in it. It's so. It's such an all encompassing experience.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:What was your expectation for parenthood before you had kids?
Alaina:Yeah, well, first I really resonate with that and I think I've had to accept that maybe you're never gonna be prepared, you know, because sometimes I think back and like, :oh, I wish I would have known this. I wish I would have, like, thought about this more." But I think accepting that, like, you just don't know until you're in it.
But I thought so I had that same, like, we're as ready as we'll ever be. And I guess I thought like, I knew what I wanted to do differently from the way I was parented. And I just thought, well, that will go really well.
Because I know there are certain things about the way I was parented that didn't go well with me and I was going to do something differently and like, that's gonna be great. What could go wrong with that?
And so the lack of control and the amount of flexibility from, from newborn to now has been a huge surprise in growth edge. And I imagine will continue to be.
Emily:Yeah, that. That's been my experience too.
Like, baby sleep is one thing we've been struggling with, and I don't wanna, like, jinx anything, so I'm knocking on wood right now. But within the last week and a half or so, he started sleeping much better than he had been.
And I am so grateful, but it's like absolutely nothing we did contributed to that. We tried every trick in the book, every hack, anything you've seen online, and that had nothing to do with it. He just figured it out on his own.
We can't control his sleep. It's just on him. He's being a baby.
Alaina:He's being a baby. You've got a lot. Yeah, I think that... I think especially if you are someone who is like a problem solver and is good at, like, figuring out different solutions, that can be such a hard lesson as a parent to know. Like, your kid is not a project and you're not going to figure them out. Like, you do other things in life and that can be a hard one to let go of.
Emily:Yeah. Have you fallen into that yourself, trying to, like, optimize or figure things out?
I think you posted about nap schedules as one thing when your kids were younger.
Alaina:Yes, yes. I had a lot of my own control issues come up, and I think it probably started with anxiety.
And then my way of managing that anxiety was through control. And so I wanted to, like, do their nap schedules a certain way and bedtimes a certain way to control how much they slept.
And, you know, I think what you're saying of, like, they're babies and they're gonna... they're gonna do what they want to do and it's not gonna go your way. But that was... that was a lot for me. And that... that definitely brought up more anxiety and then more control issues like, oh, if I just try to control this better, then it will go better. And. And so that was a process to learn to let that go and to release that. Yeah, but that was. That was a big one.
Emily:Yeah. All that sleep stuff is rough. Like, my baby does not want to have a second nap lately. And it just makes me so angry sometimes. I'm like, "please sleep, you are so tired." And yes, there's nothing I can do as hard as I'm trying. Yes.
Alaina:And as soon as you figure something out or get into a good routine, then the routine changes again.
Emily:It just keeps changing.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:What is with that?
Alaina:What is with that? And I...
Emily:So rude.
Alaina:It is so rude. And I think that messes with your feeling of competence, of like, "I finally got this. I'm feeling competent. I'm feeling like I've got it."
And then like, it all falls out from under you.
Emily:Yeah. Wild ride. Wild.
Alaina:And it just continues. That's the great news.
Emily:Oh, fun, fun. I'm curious, what have been some of the most, like, overwhelming parts of your parenthood experience?
Alaina:Yes. So I have. This is kind of a twofold answer. In the early years, it was sensory overwhelm. The crying, the, the, the baby toys making noise, you know, the music in the background. And then when I had two kids, it's like two kids crying.
And I didn't know this about myself until I had kids that I get very overwhelmed with, with a lot of. Of auditory input, a lot of noises. Overwhelming. I didn't know that. I didn't know that.
And so I think it actually significantly worse as I've gotten older. I can't handle too many noises at once, and there's just not much you can do about it when they're younger.
And so it was managing that overwhelm and then managing my own emotions around it. So lashing out at other people, particularly my husband. Yeah.
Not misdirecting that and recognizing like, oh, I'm overwhelmed, so I can take some time, you know, when I'm able to take that time. So that was a huge challenge in the beginning reparenting myself.
That has been a big journey for me because a lot of things that come up in parenting are my own issues. It's not that my kid is not napping. It's my own reaction to that.
And then now that they're older and having emotions and expressing opinions and I've raised that I have the value of them being able to be honest. But then when they are honest, my own reaction comes up.
But often it's because of my needing to parent myself, like, needing to recognize, like, oh, "I didn't get to be as honest as I deserved to be during my childhood. And I can deal with that on my own. This isn't about my kids at all."
And so that's a huge challenge now is recognizing what's about me and my child and what's about me and what's about me and my inner child. And that's just a lot to dig through, particularly like on a Tuesday afternoon when you're helping with homework. That's a lot to sort through.
Emily:Yeah, I was just thinking that day to day, like, processing that and figuring out what even is coming up. That's got to be a lot. I'm sure I'll have a lot coming up, too.
And I totally relate to the sensory stuff that you're talking about, because that's the era that we're in right now. Like, the baby will be fussing as we get him in his high chair for dinner. One of our dogs, every time he's in the highchair goes, goes, "bork! BORK!"
She stands eight feet away from the high chair because she's scared of it, but she wants to beg for food. And the other two dogs beg right at his feet.
Alaina:Oh, my goodness.
Emily:But she's eight feet away going, "BORK!" I'm losing my mind. My husband has, like, music on while he's cooking dinner, and then he tunes out the audio. Auditory stuff better than I do.
And then he'll be like, la, la, la, la, la. Like, singing his own little songs. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to lose my mind.
Alaina:And then you know what happens? You trip on the high chair.
Emily:Yes.
Alaina:And then you're like, "I'm done. This is done."
Emily:Yep, Yep. Yeah, I've absolutely been there many times.
Alaina:Me too.
Emily:Yep. Yeah. So I'm trying to figure out. I don't know what else I can do with that. I know some people, like, loop earphones to, like, tune out some of that.
So I've not tried that yet, but maybe it's worth a shot.
Alaina:I think it's worth a shot. I mean, I could see that contributing because then you can't hear and you're like, what? But I think it's worth a try. Yeah, I think it's worth a try.
Also turning the music. Music off.
Emily:Yes.
Alaina:Sorry, husband, you do not get to listen to music.
Emily:It's too much. with the nicer weather, I'm sending the borking dog out onto the deck sometimes, but it was sleeting tonight before we came here, so she was just borking near the high chair. Oh, sweet girl.
Alaina:But one too many things.
Emily:Yes, absolutely. I'm curious for some of the worst parenting advice you've gotten, because people love to come out of the woodwork with this unsolicited advice.
I've already gotten plenty. What have you heard?
Alaina:Yes. And I will say I think it's worse in the first year. I feel like I get less of it now, but you get so much of it in the first year.
And so two things that are kind of related are enjoy every moment and don't blink. And like, okay, so I'm gonna take enjoy every moment. You cannot enjoy every moment.
Some moments are very unenjoyable and so it's okay to just survive them. It's okay to just get through. And I think this creates this pressure of perfection and even that. And I... I really value being present, but even that pressure to be present all the time, some things you just need to get through, and that's okay. And you don't have to put this pressure on yourself to enjoy everything.
I think then you end up enjoying less because you're trying to pressure yourself to enjoy so much. And then the don't blink kind of ties into that. Like, you have to blink. You are going to miss some things because you're human.
And if you can let yourself off the hook of not being present all the time, it actually helps you tune into the moments you actually want to be present for.
Emily:That's good advice. Yeah.
I keep reminding myself, like, I'm worried about being on my phone all the time, but most of the time, I'm either taking a picture or a video of him that I'm gonna watch back and cherish later, or I'm, like, looking up something related to his food that he's eating or whatever. So I'm being present as much as possible and trying not to be too hard on myself about the times when I'm not, because, like you said, it's.. it's inevitable.
Alaina:It's inevitable. And, and we're, we're not just robots who can perform at, like, a certain level all the time.
I also think it's important for you to model to your kid humanity and what's it like to be a human. And we're just. We're not enjoying every day. Every day. Not the best day. And that's okay.
And I think that's important for your kid to know, too, so they know they can have bad days or they don't have to enjoy every single second of their life.
Emily:Yeah, absolutely. My child had to take a steroid for the first two months of his life.
And being on a steroid, being a literal newborn on steroids, that was not a fun era. And people keep being like, "don't you miss the newborn days?" And I'm like, "no, I don't. Maybe someday."
But yeah, he would literally wake up and instantly be beet red from screaming because he was so hungry all the time on the steroid. And it was just a rough chapter. And, like, that's what it was. It's okay. Like, that was part of our journey and not a fun one, right?
Alaina:Yes. And it's okay to not want to go back to that.
Emily:Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I'm curious what some of the surprises have been on your parenthood journey so far.
Alaina:So my kids are really insightful. I think. I think part of it, I will give myself credit is I've just talked to them like, like a normal person from the time they were very little, like, speaking in full sentences, sharing my thoughts and my ideas and what I. You know, my impressions of things. And so they. Yeah, they'll, like. They.
They have plenty of, like, normal kids stuff, but then they'll be like, "oh, mom, are you... Do you think this is important for us to do because you didn't get a chance to do that in your childhood?"
Emily:Yes.
Alaina:You're 100% right.
Emily:Dropping truth bombs.
Alaina:So that has been a huge surprise that I would get my own therapeutic analysis by them. And then it's... It is surprising to see yourself reflected back in them in some ways that are great, like the insight, and some ways that are not so great, like patience and how they deal with anger and then realizing, like, oh, that's from me. And that's humbling to see. And so that's definitely been a surprise for both good and also humbling.
Emily:That's so interesting. I keep hearing their personalities are, like, baked in.
And it's not nurture as much as you think, but you also see glimmers of yourself and your partner in them. So I'm curious to see more of that as my little guy gets older. He's very funny, very sweet, always on the go.
But he's only 10 months, so I'm sure he's got a lot more to offer, especially when he starts talking.
Alaina:Right, right. And that personality just keeps evolving.
And so I've thought about that for my kids when they're preteens and teens, like, how is their sense of humor gonna evolve? And. Yeah, like, their level of conversation. What's that gonna be like? So it's interesting and definitely keeps surprising me.
Emily:Fun surprises, it seems like, for the most part, yes. Yeah. How has being a parent impacted your mental health? We talked a little bit about anxiety and control, so.
So tell me a little bit more about that part of the journey.
Alaina:Yeah. I would say the postpartum periods for both of my kids negatively impacted my mental health.
There's a huge identity shift that happens with being a parent. A capacity. Life doesn't feel like it's, you know, life is never in your control, but it definitely doesn't feel like you... it's in your control when you have... when you have kids. And so the first couple years for my mental health were really rocky.
And then I will say that I think it's helped me grow deeper as a person. So I've had to dive into the control issues, the anxiety, wanting to have the answer for everything.
And I've gotten a lot better at something we talked about earlier: sitting with the discomfort, not knowing, not having the answers. So I think it's helped me deepen and grow as a person.
And I feel a lot more confident in who I am and how I carry myself in this world.
And it's really interesting because 10 years ago, I would have told you I was pretty confident then, but I just feel more grounded in myself and more connected to. To my values. And. And it's interesting, too, because I think I've become more introverted as a parent.
Like, but I think that's also in being more confident in myself. I. I realized, like, oh, I'm okay being by myself, and I, I don't need as much time with other people or the approval for, from other people.
But that's definitely something parenthood has, has taught me. And it really forced me to do a deeper look into myself, into how I was coping or not coping.
And I will say, too, that therapy has been monumental in my journey.
And it did take a couple different therapists during postpartum to find a good individual therapist who helped me so much, and then also a couples therapist who has helped me and my husband so much. So, so I, I don't want to leave that out because that's been a huge part of how parenthood has affected my mental health. Both, both, you know, in the struggles and also in the finding more of who I am.
Emily:I'm glad you mentioned the couples therapy, too, because I feel like it's been more of a strain for us in our relationship than for me individually, at least at this point. So really interesting. Might have to look into that too, because there's just so much communication, family of origin, like, all of that.
So much stuff coming up all the time.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:And you have so little time for each other and for your relationship. You barely have time for yourself. And, yeah, a lot of challenges.
But it's amazing to hear that you've, like, grown into yourself so much more and feel so much more confident. I love that aspect of it.
Alaina:Yeah.
Emily:Yeah. That's exciting. I hope I have a similar experience.
Alaina:Yeah.
Emily:Because I did feel like, like pretty confident as a human before becoming a parent, so. Same as you said.
Alaina:But, yeah. Yeah. And it takes time, too. This is a huge identity shift. And I, and identity shifts don't just like, land at 10 months.
And like, now it's shifted and now, like, you can step into who you are. I think we have so many rushed timelines on when are you gonna, like, be in this new identity?
And I find for the most part, we never give ourselves enough time to make these shifts and to make these transitions. And definitely parenthood is one where we rush those timelines.
Emily:Yeah. I still feel like a new mom and people are already like, "oh, your kid's almost one, he's gonna be a toddler!" And I'm like, "what are you talking about?!"
Alaina:Yes. And then they start asking, like, "when are you gonna have another one?" Yeah, yeah, no, he's 10 months. Just take. Give it a try for a second.
Yeah, they just wanna rush to the next thing. And so.
So I think that definitely contributes to then rushing yourself and feeling like you should feel better or you and your husband should have it figured out by now. And it just. It takes so much longer. Yeah.
Emily:Yeah. Another thing with that identity shift that I found surprising is I, like, it weirds me out to be called mom still. Like, it's okay for, I mean, he doesn't talk yet, but like, being his mom. Great. His mom. I. It's just weird to be making...
Alaina:Oh, no, I. No, I'm nodding along. I'm picking up what you're laying down.
Emily:Like, I'd rather be called a parent than a mom.
I think there's so much loaded stuff in our culture about motherhood and so much like judgment and stereotypes and like wine mommies and all kinds of... or like mommy bloggers, mommy influencers. And I... I would just rather be a parent.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:And that's why I've framed this as a parenthood podcast too. Like, I do intend to interview dads as well, or parents who are nonbinary, but as a whole mom cultural thing is just weird.
Alaina:Don't lump me into the mom culture. Also, when your kids' friends start calling you "Mrs." I've asked not. Yeah, please don't. Yeah, you can call me Alaina or Ms. Alaina.
Please don't call me Mrs. Anything. Yeah, I don't want that.
Emily:I just have my students call me by my first name too. Like, I don't want to be a Mrs. No, that's...
Alaina:Yeah, I don't want to be lumped into that category, but I am resonating with that Mom. Mommy. It feels weird. And there's so many stereotypes that you don't want to get lumped in with.
Emily:Even like five minutes out the womb. Like the nurses were like, "how you doing, Mama?" And I'm like, "what are you talking about?!"
Alaina:Don't call me mama. Please don't.
Emily:Weird vibes.
Alaina:Weird. There is. It's weird vibes. And I think it forces you into this. Like. Like, "oh, you should present a certain way. You should feel a certain way"
And that definitely does not connect with me either.
Emily:I almost wore a sweatshirt to my child's medical appointment today that said, "not my problem" with a kitten on it. It's like, it's probably not the best mom outfit to be wearing today.
Alaina:That's my mom vibe. So please don't call me mama.
Emily:Yeah, silly. My last question for you is, what parts of parenthood bring you the most joy?
I know people talk about how hard it is all the time, but there are a lot of. Of high points and joyful things, too.
Alaina:Yes. So whenever I see my kids do something brave and that might be talking to someone new, that might be.
They started at a new school this year that might be singing in a chorus concert. I am also now the mom who cries at anything. Like, at a chorus concert, you're gonna find me crying.
But whenever I see them do something new, and I know that they're scared, but they're doing it anyway, that is a huge joy to see them do that. And then for them to be able to process their feelings, like, I feel scared to go to this new school, but I know I can do it. To have them.
To have them, like, be able to hold duality. Is that such a therapist thing to say? Like, that's a huge joy. They can hold that duality so much better than most adults. Because I do think it's.
I do think we're born with the skill of being able to hold complexity and just so to be able to see that kind of, like, more natural in them and to have that really make sense, like, that's been a huge joy. Also a surprise, too, of, like, oh, wow. Like. Like, this is easier when you're just, like, when.
When life hasn't taken this out of you and, you know, taught you to toughen up or black and white thinking or shamed you. Like, oh, this is a lot more natural when. When you could just be allowed to do this.
Emily:I feel like so many millennials were not taught to, like, name their emotions and process them and talk about them openly. So I'm really glad that your kids are learning to do that. It's got to be really cool to see them.
Alaina:It is very cool to see.
Emily:Yeah, my little guy is at a music class once a week. And he, like, we were talking about doing brave things or just putting themselves out there... during the lullaby at the end of class, he crawled over to a tub of toys, pushed himself up to standing, and started drumming on the top and yelling. And I was like, "yeah, you do, you little..." And I, like, started crying. I was like, :why am I crying?"
He's just marching to the beat of his own drum, doing his own thing. Happy little guy. And I'm so proud of him.
Alaina:Yes.
Emily:Yeah.
Alaina:Get ready for more of those moments of, like, why am I crying? I wish. I wish I could contain this a little bit more, but I guess I'll embrace it.
Emily:Feeling all the feelings.
Alaina:Feeling all the feelings. Yes.
Emily:Is there anything we didn't talk about today that you want to touch on?
Alaina:Gosh. I mean. I mean, there's so much. There's so much with, with everything that we talked about. I guess I did want to...
I think this goes back to holding the duality, and I think this is so important as parents, because, again, maybe there's been an overcorrection of talking about the struggles and talking about how hard things are and also talking about the joys. And so I would love to just bring that more into the parenting realm that we can hold space for all of it and not have it be just.
We only talk about struggles because that's what makes us real. Or we only talk about the joys because no one wants to hear about the bad. The bad parts.
I hope that we can, and I think we're modeling this in this conversation of just creating more room for the complexity of parenthood and not putting it into these tropes. I think we've simplified things so much, and, you know, we want to make it. It one thing, and it's just not.
And so I love that practice of, like, what's a struggle for you as a parent? And then what's a joy? Like, what do you love seeing your kid do? So I think you modeled this in that.
This conversation of holding space for all the complexity of it, and I really hope that parents can do that more in their own relationships, too.
Emily:Yeah. There's so much more to it than we could even talk about tonight. And I'm glad we're not, not forcing either of ourselves into little boxes.
And I hope other parents can embrace all the nuance and complexity, too.
Alaina:Yep. Same.
Emily:Yeah. Thank you so much for joining me. This was a great conversation.
I really appreciate you sharing so openly, and it just lines up with your authenticity on Instagram as well, so I really appreciate it.
Alaina:Thank you for having me. It's been so fun.
Narrator:This has been a presentation of the Lunchador Podcast Network.
Chris:"Mom! Mom! Look, I'm practicing duality."
