Ditching the Expected & Embracing Your True Self with Christy Roushey

Emily: 00:00:45

The child free by choice camp can be like, "I could never, like, why are you doing this to yourself?" And then like, hating on parents. And I'm like, okay, okay, rein it in a little.

Christy: 00:00:55

I think that's proof that, like, any extreme in social media is not a good thing.

Emily: 00:01:07

Hello, and welcome to It's a Lot, a podcast about things that are a lot. Our conversations primarily focus on social media and parenthood, two complex topics that take up a lot of space in my life and many of yours too.

, and so is being a parent in: 2025

Christy is an illustrator, modern calligrapher, and surface pattern designer. A former engineer, she now channels her creativity into nature inspired artwork filled with joy and symbolism.

A mom to two kids, wife to her college sweetheart, and a dog lover, Christy shares her art through the House of Roushey, blending fine line design, classic lettering, and whimsical elements inspired by the language of flowers.

I love Christy's work. I love her Instagram and how she shows up online. And I'm excited to talk today. Welcome to the show, Christy.

Christy: 00:01:56

Thanks, Emily. It's nice to be here.

Emily: 00:01:58

Let's dive in with social media. First. I'm curious, how do you approach your social media presence as an artist?

Christy: 00:02:04

So I try to think about social media as a way to invite people in to my home. So the House of Roushey started as a way to process a lot of what I was thinking, feeling, and how I was growing through my art.

And so I use social media as a way to invite people into that conversation.

I want it to feel like they're sitting across from me and having a cup of coffee and we're chatting, kind of like you would do at a breakroom at work.

Emily: 00:02:31

That's a beautiful way to approach it. I don't know if most people look at social media like that.

Christy: 00:02:35

I think it's what helps keep it authentic and real.

I know everyone uses that buzzword, authentic, but I think that helps me really maintain this personal connection because really, that's what social media is about. It's about connection. It's about to get... getting to know each other and I want people to feel that when they come to my space.

Emily: 00:02:55

Yeah, it has erred into the area of self promotion and debate and argument...so much so, the connection aspect is missing these days, sometimes it seems.

Christy: 00:03:05

Yeah. I think it's really hard to balance the self promotion part I actually find that to be the most challenging as an artist and, you know, small business owner, you have to promote yourself to some extent. But I really wanted to serve people and I really wanted to bring joy to people.

So it's hard to be like, "hey, buy this notebook, buy the, buy this sticker." But I'm trying to shift into the mindset of I'm really providing things that are benefiting people. It's really bringing joy to people's lives.

And so it's a natural fit. It's not a sell. It's trying to serve people and help people create these moments of delight in their daily life.

Emily: 00:03:47

Totally. I love that approach. I'm curious, were you nervous about being vulnerable online? Like, was that a scary part before?

The self promotion seemed like the hard part.

Christy: 00:03:57

I think it was easier because I had left my corporate job.

I can't imagine being on social media and having a corporate job because that feels like there's like a separate Persona that you have to have in the corporate world. So the fact that I was home, I was self employed, I felt like that wall really dropped and I was able to be myself.

Like there was no, at that point, I wasn't at risk of being fired or my colleagues thinking of me anyway.

It was really my friends and family, like they were the original followers and so they really knew me and so there was very little risk in showing up authentically as myself.

Emily: 00:04:35

Yeah, that's awesome. That sounds like a great way to get started.

Can you talk me through a little bit of your path from leaving engineering and being home with your kids and then how you started your art business?

Christy: 00:04:45

Yeah. So about 10, 9, 10 years ago, I left corporate engineering to be a stay at home mom. That was never in my plan.

Big props to people who want to be stay at home moms. And that's like their goal, but that wasn't mine. I really wanted to be a director, VP, climb the corporate ladder.

So when it came to a point of being a mom and having to balance those two goals and priorities, I realized I, I couldn't do it in the current state. It really was weighing on my mental health of being the best in all aspects of my life. And I think that's something that's challenging as a parent.

You can't be the best 100% of the time. So I have an incredibly supportive partner and spouse. And he said, we'll do what we need to do. And I left engineering.

And in that time was really when our political atmosphere was starting to shift. And as a Black woman, I was really starting to come to grips with my identity as what it means to be a black woman in the United States.

At that time, it was around: 2016

So I would literally sit at the kitchen counter teaching myself, lettering, literally writing AAA, BBB and singing and just trying to, you know, come to grips with this new path. That was never my plan.

And I think sometimes you have to get broken down to that point where you're able to unravel your preconceived notions of life, of yourself. And then the sky's the limit. There is potential in anything from there.

And it's been really beautiful to see how I've been able to grow from that experience of leaving what my expected plan was and chase a dream.

Emily: 00:06:43

Yeah. So many of us don't follow any kind of linear path when it comes to our career. So I'm always glad to hear stories of total pivots like that.

That moment at your counter singing and doing lettering sounds so peaceful. But I'm curious, how old were your kids at the time you were doing this? This wasn't like babyhood, right?

Christy: 00:06:59

No, My son was 3. And I was also watching my niece at the time, she was three. So they were playing in the other room and I could just like keep an ear out for them.

And it was a very unique time. It was something that not everyone gets to experience.

And I was very fortunate that they were, you know, not self sufficient, but they were a little bit older and they could play together and needed minimal care and attention. It allowed me to explore art in a way that I wouldn't have been able to do. And I definitely didn't when the kids were younger.

Emily: 00:07:36

I'm so glad you had that chance and now look where you are today. It's so cool.

Christy: 00:07:40

Yeah.

Emily: 00:07:42

Going back to the leaving corporate America, did you feel like, sadness? Did you miss that engineering job at any point? Or were you mostly just like, "I broke free! Hooray!"

Christy: 00:07:51

At first I was really embarrassed. I felt like so much of my identity was around being an engineer.

And when people hear, oh, you're going to school for engineering or you're an engineer, their immediate thought is, wow, you're so smart. Oh my gosh. And there was some of that pride and ego that had to be put in check. So I was really embarrassed to just like leave it behind.

I felt like I wasn't good enough to pivot into another engineering role.

So there was a lot of processing of you are enough which ended up being, like, my practice phrase for lettering and art throughout, you know, those early months and years. It was just. That was one of those first ones that I'm practicing is, "you are enough. You are enough."

And just kind of reminding and affirming myself that it's okay to pivot, it's okay to change, and this is kind of part of the greater plan.

Emily: 00:08:46

Yeah, that's such a simple phrase, but so hard to, like, truly internalize. It's like, sure, of course I'm enough. But then day to day, it doesn't necessarily feel true sometimes.

Christy: 00:08:55

No. Definitely needed to remind myself over and over about that one still.

Emily: 00:08:59

And as you know, my husband left engineering to pursue art, so he had a very similar journey of, like, what am I doing? My whole career, my whole identity has shifted. It's really tough.

Christy: 00:09:08

It is. And I think it's also hard because people that are in that realm with you can't even conceive leaving engineering for art. Like, it's so different.

But I think people that come alongside you on the journey are like, yeah, you're in a much better space. You're leaning into who you really are, and it's a whole lot healthier for your mind.

Emily: 00:09:33

Yeah. Are there skills from engineering that apply also to your art work or your business side of it?

Christy: 00:09:38

Yeah. I find that when people first find out that I'm an. I was an engineer, they're like, "oh, how does that even translate to art?"

I think the fact of, like, having systems in place is what I do the most, and that transfers over. I was a project manager, project engineer. I did project planning as far as timelines, bringing products to launch.

So a lot of those skill sets I use in my own business, as far as bringing a new product, whether it's a journal or a sticker, thinking ahead of time of when I want to launch it, and then working backwards to figure out when I need to have the sketches and the purchases ordered. Um, those are probably the ones I use the most. And then just the communication skills, too.

I don't think we talk enough about that is you really need to be able to communicate with people and connect with people via email and in person. And that's...I think it was really beneficial to have a corporate job and work for someone else before working for myself.

Emily: 00:10:38

That's such an interesting point, because I say that to Tim all the time, that he can actually reliably respond to emails, show up on time, have a good conversation. And there are so many creatives who are incredibly talented, but just struggle with the follow through.

Or like you're saying with all the planning with your business to order things in a timely manner and be able to launch products and all of that. Like, it's great that you develop those skills.

Christy: 00:10:58

Yeah. I find that people are also really surprised. They're like, wow, you're really organized. Yeah, I have to be!

It's kind of a necessity with being a parent and being a business owner. Like, you have to find out a system of organization that works for you and works for the way your mind works and that's sustainable.

Emily: 00:11:19

Yeah, that makes total sense.

So speaking of things that are always changing and getting back to social media a little bit, the algorithms have been changing a ton in the past years. I know Reels has been such a huge push. And just tell me a little bit about how you've navigated that and all the changes.

Christy: 00:11:37

So when. Excuse me. So coming out of engineering, I and was very averse to change. That's something I am working on personality wise.

And I would not consider myself an early adopter to any of these social media platforms or tools. I kind of want to find out how it fits into my system.

And so I probably would say within the last six months to a year, have kind of embraced Reels and try to figure out how to showcase myself a little bit more rather than showcase my art, because that's what works for me. It's been hard, it's been challenging because I know a lot of people want to jump right in. But I need to figure out how it works for me first.

And I think that goes back into the authenticity of I don't want to just use a tool because that's the tool that's being used. I want to use a tool because I see its purpose and its validity within my business system.

So right now I'm using reels for showing a little bit of my personality. My quirkiness, my silly songs or my silly personality. Because I think that's something that doesn't always come across in my artwork.

Emily: 00:12:56

I thought that was such a fun one you did the other day of before the event and after the event with like the very corporate suit and then just climbing onto the couch under the blanket all cozy.

Christy: 00:13:05

That was such a last minute one. I did not have that planned. I was like, I need to put something out. And it's true what people say.

The ones that you put the least amount of effort are the ones people resonate with the most. And yeah, that one got a lot of traction.

Emily: 00:13:19

It's so funny how that happens. I had a reel I made recently. I saved. I shared it on Tick Tock. First it was reading a children's book out loud and it got 60,000 views on TikTok.

And I was like, wow, people really like this. Let me cross post it to Instagram. It is at 344,000 views. Like, whoa.

I sat down during my baby's nap and read this book out loud and now it's just blown up. Like very little effort, very little thought or strategy. And here we are. Like just bizarre how it works. Sometimes it is.

Christy: 00:13:48

It's hard to even know what is going to land sometime because there are moments where you will post something on TikTok and cross post it and then it doesn't land and you're like, oh, well, it landed in TikTok. So it's really hard to figure out what makes the most sense. I think also because I'm a product based business, it's trying.

A lot of these formulas out there are. They make sense for service based businesses. And they don't make as much sense for a product base.

So trying to find out how it fits within a product system is part of the challenge as well.

Emily: 00:14:27

That's so interesting because I feel like I don't want to make a lot of that content as a service based business. I'm like, oh, this doesn't make sense for me to do or like the kind that service providers are doing. I'm like, oh, I don't want to do that.

It's pushy or salesy or doesn't feel like me. And I'm like, it'd be easier if I sold a product. So I guess grass is always greener.

Christy: 00:14:46

I guess we need to talk about what, what the other person could be utilizing it better for.

Emily: 00:14:51

Yeah, I don't know. I see a lot of like service providers being like, "here's the one thing you need to do to do," blah, blah, blah.

Like as a social media consultant, I could be doing more of that kind of content, but it just doesn't really interest me and it's hard to make myself do something I'm not interested in.

Christy: 00:15:05

I think that's a big key, is making sure it's something that's fun.

Because if it's not fun and that translates into your content and you're not going to keep up with it and I feel like you got to keep social media fun.

Emily: 00:15:17

Yeah. Can't force it.

Christy: 00:15:19

No.

Emily: 00:15:20

A lot of people try. I've been there too. So showing up on camera was something you mentioned that you were not doing a lot of at first.

I know you did your car line conversations in Stories. Can you talk a little bit more about that series and how you learned to show up on camera more?

Christy: 00:15:35

Yeah. Car Line Conversations was born out of a situation that was happening at home.

I was taking my kid to school and waiting in the car line to pick him up from school and it just felt like such a waste of time. And I'm like, how can I better utilize this time? I need to do social media and I need to pick him up.

So I was like, let me just show up on camera here and just, you know, share my thoughts and feelings. And people really liked it. I think what made it easier was that there was no agenda behind it.

It was just like randomly whatever I was thinking and feeling at the moment, there was no plan associated with it. And I think what also made it easier is I knew a lot of the people on the other side of the camera that are watching.

So it really does feel like a conversation. I don't have a huge following. It's been a slow growth and so I notice every person that follows, every person that likes.

And so I think about them when I'm creating content, whether it's in the stories or in my feed, and that makes it easier to feel like you're connected with them. And stories go away in 24 hours, so there's very little risk there. And I felt like that was a good place to start.

I'm like, okay, if I hated what I posted, I can just delete it or it's only going to be up there for 24 hours.

Emily: 00:16:58

Do you usually save those to highlights or you just let them go?

Christy: 00:17:01

I usually let them go. Sometimes if I feel like they're beneficial, I'll create a highlight.

I recently cleaned up all my highlights, so I'm trying to figure out what is beneficial to keep there, what is a good representation of me and what I do. But that's always evolving too.

So it's like hard to have this like firm thing in the sand of, you know, this is who I am when I'm evolving as a person.

Emily: 00:17:27

Yeah, I think the TikTok creator, Elyse Meyers, I don't know if you follow her, but she always says like she doesn't pin any videos to her page because she thinks your most recent work is like your best work or you don't want people to only know you for your three best performing videos or something like that.

Christy: 00:17:41

So I forgot.

Emily: 00:17:43

Yeah, yeah.

Christy: 00:17:45

I post I just pinned one because I'm like, there's gotta be some kind of introduction of like, this is who I am and sometimes I'm not very good about reminding people who I am as, as a creator. It's such a, such a challenging thing.

Emily: 00:18:00

Yeah. I use pins on my Instagram. That's a little more business oriented. But my TikTok is just like me making things for fun.

So I don't have anything pinned or any agenda or anything.

Christy: 00:18:09

I love your TikTok.

Emily: 00:18:10

It is fun. Haven't had as much time for it since baby, but I do enjoy making stuff there.

Christy: 00:18:16

It's so relatable and it...I feel like there's no agenda. It's just like you showing up with what you're interested in and it makes it fun to watch along.

Emily: 00:18:28

It's been fun because like I've gathered a lot of TikTok friends along the way and they're just down to come along with whatever I feel like talking about.

So like more content has been about baby or baby books or pregnancy books when I was pregnant and everyone's just like, sure, okay, that's what we're doing now.

Christy: 00:18:44

I am loving your plate, baby's food for the day plate. I think you put in your stories. That is one of my favorites to come across.

Emily: 00:18:54

Thank you. I thought no one would care at all when I started sharing those, but so many people have been like, oh, I love seeing what your baby's eating.

Christy: 00:19:00

Yeah, it gives me ideas for myself too. Like, oh, I never thought I could have that. That's true.

Emily: 00:19:05

Well, it's funny because we feel like there are rules around food as grown ups and I'm like, he doesn't know any better. He can eat whatever weird assortment of things we give him and call it a day. Like it doesn't have to be fancy.

Christy: 00:19:17

I think the plates are pretty fancy.

Emily: 00:19:20

Well, Tim did make him tzatziki from scratch yesterday, so that was pretty fancy.

Christy: 00:19:24

Oh my gosh.

Emily: 00:19:25

I came home from the store and was like, "you did what?"

Christy: 00:19:28

I feel like Tim likes to have those projects.

Emily: 00:19:31

Yeah, always. Always something fun to be doing.

Christy: 00:19:33

Yeah.

Emily: 00:19:36

Let's talk about static photos versus reels. So I enjoy that you still share static photos. I feel like so many people just don't do a good old photo post anymore.

Talk to me about like the role of a regular static photo compared to when you choose to do a reel.

Christy: 00:19:53

I love static photos. I grew up in Rochester. My dad worked at Kodak. So like film is like part of who I am.

I'm the memory keeper in our family, our immediate family, and then our extended family, I just feel like they can express the moment in a different way than video can. And I think it allows the viewer to insert their own preconceived notions, experiences, and memories into the photo.

And they become a lot more invested in the journey than if you're feeding them a video. You're telling them what to think, what to hear, what to smell. I guess not smell, but you're...you're feeding them so much of the experience where I feel like a photo allows them to insert themselves into it. And that's really what I'm trying to do as an artist, is give them these mile markers in their own journey.

So using the language of flowers and explaining what different meanings are can allow them to think about that flower in a different way when they see it in their daily life. So I feel like it allows me to be more of a storyteller with static photos than with video.

And also I feel like a lot of my creative juices are in the creating of the art. And then I'm just like, here you go. I'm showing you what I created and telling the story behind it.

Whereas when I'm using the video, I feel like a lot more of my energy is going into video editing, where that's not where I'm passionate about at this point.

Emily: 00:21:28

Yeah, that makes sense. Sometimes I get so mad at the platforms for making us, oh, my gosh,

Emily: 00:21:33

pivot to this.

You know, there are plenty of reasons to be mad at Meta, but, like, why did we decide that this is the way to go? It's not.

It doesn't come naturally to so many people, and it's a skill so many of us have had to learn, and it's great to have more skills, but it doesn't always lend itself to every form of storytelling.

Christy: 00:21:49

Yeah, I think about photographers, too, and how they've had to pivot with the implementation of reels. Like, so much of it, I just want to see their...their artwork and their photos. And to now kind of force them to pivot has been hard.

Emily: 00:22:02

I get frustrated even when a coffee shop's like new drink specials for this season. And then it's a video and they're all, like, real fast. It's like a chalkboard that they're, like, shakily panning over.

I'm like, "I just want to read the specials!" Like, shouldn't be that hard.

Christy: 00:22:16

I find it frustrating when you go to a feed and you see a picture and I want to click the picture and see that closer and then it's a reel. It's just the cover. I'm like, come on.

Emily: 00:22:26

Yeah. Frustrating. To your point about photos being something that you can insert yourself in, I thought that was so interesting that they make us stop and think a little bit more. I think we move so fast online now in videos, it's easy to, like, get the gist real quick and keep scrolling.

So I love when there's, like, a really captivating photo that actually makes you stop the scroll and then read the caption and engage. So, yeah, it's definitely worth doing that still, I think.

Christy: 00:22:51

Thank you. I appreciate that feedback because it's always...there's a pressure to keep going and, you know, keep up with what's new.

Emily: 00:22:59

Yeah. So I am curious about what helps you show up authentically online when you're creating content? Because I've always really admired how authentic you are when you're showing up online.

Christy: 00:23:11

Oh, thank you. I think because Rochester is so small, I never want someone to have an experience where they think of me in a certain way by what they've seen online. And then they have an experience where they've met me and they're like, whoa, she's completely different than that person. I think that makes me.

It reminds me, like, there are real people behind the camera. There are real people that are showing up for you, make sure that you're showing up in a real way.

And because of that, I think I will choose to take periods of time off of social media. So because I want to be authentic, I have a problem with consistency on social media because I just...I don't always have the energy and I don't always have the ability to show up because of life, parenting, mental health. And so I will take periods of time to just hop off or process life and then come and hop on when I feel like I can serve the community much better.

Emily: 00:24:19

That's always a smart approach. I should probably be doing more of that myself.

Christy: 00:24:23

I think you do a great job of it.

Emily: 00:24:25

I don't really take breaks for any extended amount of time or anything, though.

Christy: 00:24:29

I think even a couple days is good, though.

Emily: 00:24:32

Yeah. It's hard when you work in the field.

Christy: 00:24:34

Yeah.

Emily: 00:24:35

And then I'm just, like, posting my baby's food every day. I probably don't need to be, but maybe that's...yeah, yeah. Different kinds of breaks.

Christy: 00:24:42

Yeah.

Emily: 00:24:44

I'm curious, like, your kids, are they using social media yet? We'll get into parenthood more shortly. But do they use it? Do they have different views on it than you do?

Christy: 00:24:53

We do not allow our kids to have social media at this point. I have a 14 year old and an 11 year old. They do have phones, but we have regulated what they use. Right now, their only social media is YouTube.

In limiting, limited amounts of time, I can just see how it affects adults who have fully formed frontal lobes and the comparison game that even I will struggle with sometimes. And that's not something that kids need, especially when they're developing and forming who they want to be as humans.

So right now we've taken the stance that they're not. They're not ready for social media. Maybe later in high school.

A lot of what I've seen also from older high schoolers is they wish they had started social media later. So I feel like that has kind of helped support the. The whole thought and mindset behind it. My husband is not really on social media.

He has an account that he uses so he can follow sports people. So there's not really the push there. And then they see that most of my usage is for business.

So I think that also helps them realize, like, there's a time and a place for it.

Emily: 00:26:08

Do you get much pushback from your oldest, like, wanting it in that age group? I feel like 14 is like prime time that kids are starting to want to connect with their friends that way a little bit.

Christy: 00:26:18

Like she has asked for Instagram and the, the beautiful thing is that her friend group, none of them have social media. So we are very fortunate that we're in the.

You're not missing out on anything. Your friends, you guys can text and connect in different ways.

They have this platform that she uses called Lock It, which is like a much more closely connected version of Snapchat. And I feel like it's a good balance. It's a good alternate to what she could have wanted. And it feels like it's age appropriate.

Emily: 00:26:55

Yeah, I'll have to check that out. I don't know if it'll still be around when my son is old enough to use it, but. Sounds like a great option.

Christy: 00:27:01

Yeah.

Emily: 00:27:01

Yeah. Well, we'll get more into parenthood after the break, but I'm excited to dive in deeper.

Christy: 00:28:09

Thanks, Emily.

Emily: 00:28:12

All right, Christy, so you are a parent of two. How old are your kids?

Christy: 00:28:17

So I have a 14 year old and an 11 year old, so preteen and teen. Wow.

Emily: 00:28:22

So what does that chapter of life look like right now?

Christy: 00:28:25

A lot of time in the parking lot or car line. We are in the season of life where we are picking up someone and dropping off someone at activities all the time and constantly on the go. It's...it's a...it's a good season of time. It's just, it's different.

I'm feeling the air in my own personal responsibility and the ability to have a little bit more flexibility, which is nice.

Emily: 00:28:49

That is nice. Yeah. Are your kids enjoying all these new, like, hobbies and things in their schedule?

Christy: 00:28:54

They are. And a lot more responsibility on their own. We're leaving them home alone a little bit more, and that gives them just some, some more ownership of their time. I think they like that.

Emily: 00:29:07

It's gotta feel so different than those earlier days of parenthood.

Christy: 00:29:10

Yes. Even just this past week, I had a couple things after, after school or after work that I was going to, and I'm like, "hey, here's dinner," and I'm leaving them. And they're like, "we really loved that. Not, not to be offensive, mom, but we really liked that time to just be on our own."

And I'm like, "I really liked being on my own, too." So we are entering a new season of life that I think we're all embracing.

Emily: 00:29:35

So there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me. 12 years from now.

Christy: 00:29:39

Yes. Yes. Maybe sooner. I don't know. Yeah. Those. They each had their own challenges, but I think it could even be as early as, like, 10 or 11 for kids.

Emily: 00:29:49

Wow. I'm curious what the expectation was before you had kids. What you thought parenthood would look like back then.

Christy: 00:29:57

Oh, parenthood.

I feel like there is this, like, shiny object syndrome with parenthood that people feel like it's the next thing that you have to fulfill in life, like go to college or get a job, get married, have kids. And I think that was a misconception.

Like, I really appreciate the current young adults now taking a stand and saying, you know, we don't want to have kids because that's what they want or don't want. And I don't feel like there was that flexibility or permission for those of us early on. Granted. I love my kids.

I don't want it to be that misunderstanding.

I just think that prior to the last several years, there was an expectation of, like, parenthood was the next step, which I think set a lot of people up for failure as well, because there's people that don't want to have kids, can't have kids, are trying to have kids, and it just sets people up for an expectation that isn't for everyone.

Emily: 00:31:09

Yeah, that's a great way to put it, that parenthood isn't for everyone. Not any knock on the individual people, but you don't have to choose that path if you don't want to.

Christy: 00:31:17

Yeah, I actually really love it when someone's like, "parenthood: it's not for me. We decided we're not going to have kids," and I celebrate them very vocally because there's not enough people telling them that that's okay.

There's a lot of pressure on the other side saying, when are you gonna have kids? When are you giving me grandbabies? But no, if that's your decision, that's your decision.

Emily: 00:31:39

Yeah. I think it's empowering that more people are saying that and supporting them too. At the same time.

I think a lot of the conversations on social media get pretty polarized and heated pretty quickly. Like the child free by choice camp can be like, "I could never. Like, why are you doing this to yourself?" And then like, hating on parents.

And I'm like, okay, okay, rein it in a little. You don't have to deal with the babies, the poop, the lack of sleep. Just let us deal with it.

Christy: 00:32:04

I think that's proof that, like, any extreme in social media is not a good thing. There has to be some empathy and. And definitely nuance to the conversation.

And that's why I always try to, like, say it's not for me or it's not my choice. But I truly respect people who have that other lifestyle and other decision for their life because they know themselves the best.

Emily: 00:32:29

Yeah, I think a little more empathy and nuance would help all of us on social media. respect other people's choices. Move on with your day!

Christy: 00:32:36

Exactly.

Emily: 00:32:37

I'm curious. So we talked a little bit about the misconception that everyone should have kids.

Are there any other lies you think society tells us about parenthood? Things that they want us to believe that aren't true.

Christy: 00:32:52

That it's easy, that you can have it all. I think that you can have it all is probably the most consistent lie or misconception. I don't think that's true.

I think you can have certain things at certain times of your life. So can I have a great relationship with my kids and be involved in everything? Yeah, but other things are going to be sacrificed in that way.

So I may not be able to go out with my friends all the time if that's what's important to me. And I think that's what's key, is it needs to be. What's important to the person determines what success is, both in personal and professional.

If being at home all the time is important to you, then you can have that. If going out with your friends and your spouse is important, you can have that.

But there's going to be a sacrifice, and maybe sacrifice isn't the right word. There's going to be a decision. There's going to be a choice that you're making.

So the whole misconception of you could have it all, all the time, that's a, that's a lie.

Emily: 00:34:00

Yeah, I would totally agree with that.

There was an article recently that was kind of interesting and caused a lot of heated debate online about a friend who felt very abandoned and betrayed because their friend had kids. Yeah. Did you see some of the discourse around that?

Christy: 00:34:14

I did see some of. I did. I wonder if I saw it on TikTok? I find it.

Emily: 00:34:19

Yeah. That, Tell the Bees creator, I don't know if you follow him?

Christy: 00:34:22

I'm not sure. Tell me about it.

Emily: 00:34:23

He's like a literary analysis kind of guy, but does some like, cultural criticism, too.

Christy: 00:34:28

Okay.

Emily: 00:34:28

But he talked about it and was kind of taking the side of the friend, but saying there should be a little more nuance. But a lot of people in the comments, parents are saying, like, "it takes a village. Show up for us and help cook or hold the baby, let us shower," that kind of thing. And the friends are like, "we didn't sign up for that. Like, you shouldn't make us do that. We're not free child care." And back and forth. But I, I just thought it was so interesting in the article that the friend expected that the parents should be prioritizing them almost as much as the kids.

Christy: 00:34:55

It's like, that's unreal.

Emily: 00:34:56

A baby is a whole other level. Like, you're making that choice and the baby is then the priority. Like, your bestie is not going to be on the same level as your baby.

Like, you still love them. It's just different. Kind of like a dog. Any kind of pet.

Christy: 00:35:08

Yeah. It's not going to have the same expectations.

Emily: 00:35:11

Right.

Christy: 00:35:11

I think for that I've been on both sides. When we first started having kids, our friend group had already had kids. We were like the last ones.

So I had a little bit of that feeling of, like, left out. Like, you've forgotten about me. I'm always reaching out. I'm always checking in on you, and there's not that reciprocal relationship anymore.

But then as I started having my children, there's an understanding of you don't have the same amount of time anymore that you used to. And that capacity and energy needs to go to this small human that needs you to survive. So I think it.

It's one of those grass is always greener type of thing where you can't, like, put yourself in someone else's shoes. But it also points to the need for clear communication.

Emily: 00:36:01

Definitely. say more about the clear communication.

Christy: 00:36:03

I feel like if you need your friend to check in on you more in that season of life, I don't think it's unnecessary. It's not unrealistic to ask them that and tell them, "hey, I feel like I'm alone in this. I know you're going through a lot, but I could really use some checking in." And I think. I mean, granted, I was just out of college, so a lot of that maturity wasn't there.

And I'm learning now what it's what it means to be a good friend. But I think clear communication on what you need as a friend and what you need as a new parent is. It's helpful.

Emily: 00:36:42

Yeah. That's so valid. And I think a lot of us tend to, like, clam up and just be like, "I feel bad and sad," you know, not really give voice to it.

So it really can only help to communicate.

Christy: 00:36:52

Yeah. So many people process things differently. So if you ask, "what do you need? How can I help? Help you right now? How can I support you?"

Someone may want you to come to their house and hold the baby so they can have more autonomy. Someone may want you to actually do the thing, the chore, so they don't have to. I think it really depends. And asking. You can't go wrong with asking.

Emily: 00:37:14

Yeah. And it's so wild being on the other side of it, too, now that I have so much more empathy for friends who are pregnant or who just had a baby.

Like, I did not enjoy pregnancy. And when my friends are pregnant now, I'm like, "you can vent to me, tell me everything you're dealing with. Like, I want to hear it all.

Let me know how I can help." And I think people really don't realize how hard pregnancy can be on a body, on you, mentally, all of that.

And just reaching out and supporting can be really helpful, I hope.

Christy: 00:37:43

Yeah. I think it's also important to realize that, you know, some friends are there forever and some are there for a season.

And I know there's that cliche season, reason, whatever, I can't remember what it is. But it's okay for a friendship to, you know, fizzle for purely life reasons, you know, that you may come back into each other's lives later on. And that's okay. It's no personal thing to you. It could just be what you need they can't give you at that time.

Emily: 00:38:13

Yeah, that's a great point. I feel like I've gotten better lately at letting a friendship go. If that's what's happening. It served me for a season.

And if I don't want to chase them anymore, if there's some reason that there's like discord in the friendship and it's just not going to resolve, like it's okay to let go.

Christy: 00:38:29

Exactly.

Emily: 00:38:30

Yeah. Not easy, though.

Christy: 00:38:32

No, by all means.

Emily: 00:38:34

I'm curious how your actual experience of parenthood in the early days and beyond differed from what you expected before the kids were born.

Christy: 00:38:42

Oh, so my mom was a stay at home mom, never pursued a career outside of the home. And then she worked in our school as a secretary. So she was always involved in our life.

Her aspirations were being a mom, being present, being available for the family. And so for me, as someone who that was not my aspiration. My aspiration was more career focused.

I think there was this discrepancy between what I wanted and what society or even my experience was showing me was available.

And so being present at every event for my child, whether it's like the kindergarten Mother's day thing or, you know, we're doing spring flower picking, I felt this pressure to be there when in reality it doesn't...you don't always have to go. Not every parent is going. Not every child has the ability to have a caregiver there.

So there was that shifting of dynamic of what a present parent is and what a present parent was. And I think it's generational.

I think maybe I'd be curious if you experienced similarly that whole shift between what you experienced as a child and now as a parent, how you're implementing it.

Emily: 00:40:16

Yeah, I just mostly at this stage in my baby's life have questions about, like, what was it like when I was a baby and my mom died four years ago, so I can't go ask her any of those questions.

I have like a calendar of the first year of my life that I can flip through and it's like, oh, I stopped getting formula at this age and I don't feel like I know much more than that. So it's a lot of mysteries. So it's like an interesting thing to navigate too.

Christy: 00:40:41

I think it's...I've noticed a bigger shift between that age group for my kids and this one because I feel like people are talking a lot more about "is your child teething? Are they developmentally, are they developmentally following the steps at that age or even like early elementary school?"

But in the preteen realm, I feel like many parents are closed off as to what their experience is out of complete respect for their child. It's their story to tell.

But there I feel like there's less information about how to parent preteen and teenagers because, well, first of all, I think it's different than what we experienced as kids as preteens. There's a whole social media and everything is documented, everything is on video, everyone has a phone.

But also like the whole mental health thing being a lot more talked about, which is awesome. But because of that, you want to be, you want to honor your kids story and their experience and you don't want to share that with everyone.

Not everyone is a safe person to share the preteen teen journey with. So I think that makes this season of life a little bit more isolating as a parent, if that makes sense.

Emily: 00:41:59

Yeah, I wonder to some extent if millennials have kind of paved the way with like talking about children online with like, oh, here's teething, here's diapering, potty training, here's what we're going through. But the ones who are just hitting the preteen stages are like, "oh, how do we talk about this?"

They haven't quite figured it out yet, maybe if that's part of it.

Christy: 00:42:16

Yeah, I think that even like for my own experience, I shared a lot of my kids in my posts in the early days of the House of Roushey, sharing their showing their faces, my experience, I mean, they were three and four. My son I was with all the time because he was out of school. So we were exploring Rochester together and going on adventures.

And then they just reached an age where, and I think this discourse in social media was, at what point do we stop sharing our children's stories? And we do we give them the ability to share and at what point are they old enough to have consent over that decision?

So I've kind of taken the stance of not sharing it, which I know a lot of parents haven't. But it's hard to know what other people are experiencing, what's normal, and maybe there isn't a new normal.

Emily: 00:43:08

Yeah, the consent thing is one of the biggest ones for me, why I chose not to share my son's face online.

And I just think if my parents had social media back in the day, I would have been all over Facebook all the time and then I would have been, like, 12 and hated it and been so mad about it. So that's the main thing for me.

Christy: 00:43:25

With my kid, at least that's the same. I think there's that awkward stage that you get to and you're like, mom, don't. I don't want a picture of this. And I mean, I grew up in film time.

I mean, not in film, but, like, everything was photographed.

So I have pictures that my mom took of me, like, coming out of my wisdom teeth appointment, and I have, like, swollen chipmunk cheeks, and we laugh about it, but I get to decide who sees those pictures rather than now being plastered all over social media. And I don't have that decision. So I think that's also why I really like the still photos and the film. It just...you have control over it.

Emily: 00:44:08

Mm. Yeah.

I think with the rise of, like, mommy influencer culture too, I think it's been a little easier for some people to see the effect in real time and decide, "okay, that's not for me."

Like, if someone's making money off their child and sharing their potty training journey or their kid running around in diapers and then you're like, "oh, wow, that feels icky as a viewer, I'm not gonna put my kid through that."

Christy: 00:44:29

Yeah.

And I think even now, seeing some of those original kid influencers from TLC or even YouTube sharing their experiences as young adults and, like, hearing them share the ick, you're like, okay, let's advocate a little bit more for these children that don't have the. The voice to advocate for themselves.

Emily: 00:44:50

Do you know the Duggar family?

Christy: 00:44:52

Yes!

Emily: 00:44:52

I read the one girl's memoir, and it was so interesting because they made almost no money, the kids, off of it, and they were forced to sign contracts that they couldn't understand at all. Like, even the oldest was maybe, like, 16 when she signed it. No lawyer present to explain it to her or anything. Like, straight up exploitation.

Christy: 00:45:10

Yeah. And so much of their experience is documented without their control.

Emily: 00:45:14

Yeah. Yeah. Wild.

Christy: 00:45:16

It is.

Emily: 00:45:17

Yeah. But 10 years ago, we weren't thinking about these things. We had no idea.

Christy: 00:45:20

Sitting down and enjoying, consuming it all.

Emily: 00:45:23

Yeah. I'm curious about the parenting content you see when you're online. What kinds of stuff comes up in your social media? Is it usually helpful or how does it affect you?

Christy: 00:45:34

Some of it is helpful. I follow an account called Parenting Teens and Tweens, which I feel like is helpful, even if it's just, you know, consider this type of thing.

I don't feel like it's A very judgmental space. It's more of awareness or be mindful or, hey, your child could need a hug today. And maybe that's why they're wiling out with their attitude.

And I find a lot of comedy in my feed, which lightens the load of the emotional labor of being a parent to teens and tweens who are processing their own emotions. So thankfully, my, my middle sister and I have kids that are the same age, and we will continuously send memes and reels back and forth about the experience because we know it intimately. I mean, them being my niece and nephew and living close to one another and doing life together, so that helps. I try to find the levity.

Emily: 00:46:38

Yeah, I was gonna say when you were talking about not having, like, not seeing much content online about parenting tweens.

For me, like, even at this stage, having a mom friend that I can text at all hours about all the things we're going through, like, it doesn't have to be a social media conversation or content you're consuming. Like, those one on one text conversations can be so much more helpful and meaningful. I'm glad you have your sister to go through this with.

Christy: 00:47:02

Yeah. And there are a couple other friends that were just. We're close. They know my kids, they know our family.

So texting them, Marco Polo is a nice app to be able to just word vomit on and know that you're being seen and validated. So I, I do have several friends like that as well.

Emily: 00:47:23

That's great. Let's talk about advice that you've gotten in the parenting world. What's some of, like, the worst unsolicited parenting advice you've gotten?

Christy: 00:47:33

Sleep when the baby's sleeping. Okay. And who's gonna be cleaning up or making me food? That one, I think is kind of unrealistic. Sleep when the baby's sleeping.

Emily: 00:47:46

Yeah, I heard a lot of that. And then while pregnant, I always got "sleep while you still can." As if I can bank that for the future! I'm not even sleeping well now. I'm huge and I have to pee all the time!

Christy: 00:47:57

Right.

Emily: 00:47:57

Come on.

Christy: 00:47:58

I think that one's the most unhinged one. I can't think of any recent ones. How about you?

Emily: 00:48:03

Yeah, those are. The sleep ones are the main ones. There's always. We've struggled with, like, baby sleep a lot. And it's like, "oh, have you tried a white noise machine?"

They're like, "oh, what about some room darkening shades?" And we're like, yes, we have tried all of the things, like it's not one product we'll buy.

Christy: 00:48:18

Yeah.

Emily: 00:48:18

It's gonna make it perfect, you know.

Christy: 00:48:21

And I feel like in this day and age where Google is right there, we're all researching.

Emily: 00:48:27

I've googled it a thousand times!

Christy: 00:48:28

Yeah. If I'm coming to you for advice, I've expended everything else. Like I've read the books, I've listened to the podcast. I can't do it anymore.

Emily: 00:48:35

Yeah. A very well intentioned friend said to me, "well, what the game changer was for us was reading a book before bed."

Christy: 00:48:42

I was like, that's a game changer?!

Emily: 00:48:43

Okay. Yeah, yeah, I do that. Yeah, yeah.

Christy: 00:48:48

A lot of well intentioned advice that people think it goes across the board for everyone. There's no cookie cutter method.

Emily: 00:48:56

All these kids are different. All got their own unique little personalities and quirks.

Christy: 00:49:00

Yes, very different.

Emily: 00:49:04

So let's talk a little bit more about mental health and identity. How has being a parent affected you on your mental health journey?

Christy: 00:49:12

Oh, I think it has brought it to the forefront as a priority.

I think looking back, I've gone through therapy for now six years and looking back as a kid, I think I always struggled with anxiety and I think moving into college and as a young adult with a job, I think I just was high functioning, anxious. So habits were poor. I think when you become a parent, your capacity to make up for your own inabilities lessens.

So you have to either face it those inabilities or and fix them or it's just going to become harder and harder. So there were times where it just got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore and my mental health had reached an all time low.

And that's when I started going to seek support from a therapist.

And that was also right around the time of leaving work and when the political climate was changing and just being able to have a support system outside of my family that their only job was to support me was incredible. And that is a gift that I'm endlessly thankful for and I wish so many people could have therapy.

Mental health support while you're a parent is necessary. It should be just like going to the doctor or the OBGYN while you're, you're pregnant.

There's so much of the things that we were learning as young adults and teens that have been ingrained in our minds that you almost need to stop and process or unlearn. Otherwise you're carrying them into the next step of your journey.

So some of the things that I've learned are, you know, Movement, you know, moving my body just for the sake of getting out and away taking walks with our dog. Staying connected has been a huge thing that I didn't realize.

When you're in a mental health, low isolation is a lot of times our first thing we pull to is stay away from people. We hide.

We, you know, we don't have the energy to connect, but connection really stay helps us stay in tuned with our body and with our communities and making sure that I'm taking care of my body. I think that was another lie that maybe goes back to our previous conversation about lies in parenthood.

I think there's that lie of being a selfless mom is the best kind of mom. And I actually think that is the worst.

Because if you can't take care of yourself, not only are you perpetuating that unhealthy behavior, you can't pour from an empty cup. You can't take care of other people if you're not taking care of yourself. So those are some things that I've learned. How about you?

Have you seen the shift?

Emily: 00:52:27

That's such a good one, with don't pour from it, you can't pour from an empty cup. And I say that I know that and that I've learned that. And meanwhile, I'm like struggling to find time to shower like twice a week. Like, it should not be so hard, but it is. And we've really struggled with childcare.

And then when we do have childcare, it's like, like, "yes! I can be my own person. I have my own space!" It's so wonderful. But it's tricky.

I've seen the same therapist for seven years now, and I have been thinking about quitting therapy almost ever since the baby was born.

Christy: 00:53:00

Really?!

Emily: 00:53:01

So, yeah, I...I don't know if it's like just not a good fit anymore or if it's the...some of the suggestions I've gotten frustrate me and fall into the category of like, not bad advice exactly. Or unsolicited. But I'm like, I don't think that's gonna fix everything.

Like, I don't know if I'm not as receptive to it as I have been in the past, but so much of it, I feel like it's systemic issues that can't be fixed by talk therapy.

Even though I like my therapist, it's like a lot of struggles with like navigating things with grandparents or within our own relationship that we have to work out together. Or maybe in couples therapy.

Christy: 00:53:37

Yeah.

Emily: 00:53:37

But just me going to see her is not helping as much as it had in the past.

Christy: 00:53:41

So that's fair.

Emily: 00:53:43

Yeah. Kind of interesting to try to figure out.

Christy: 00:53:45

Yeah.

Emily: 00:53:46

Yeah, that's really.

Christy: 00:53:48

That's interesting that you have had that experience and it's almost like it was reversed. We have very different experiences. Which just goes to show that there's not a one size fits all experience.

Emily: 00:54:01

So hard because it feels like with a baby, there's not enough hours in the day. And to go to an appointment. I was going every other week. Now I go once a month and I still am like, "oh, I have to spend an hour at therapy today. I, like, wish I had that hour for myself in a different way."

Christy: 00:54:13

Yeah.

Emily: 00:54:14

Just kind of a bummer to feel that way.

Christy: 00:54:16

Well, maybe it's just for a season.

Emily: 00:54:17

Yeah, that's what I'm telling myself.

Christy: 00:54:19

Yeah.

Emily: 00:54:20

ike, the political climate of: 2016

Christy: 00:54:43

Yes.

Emily: 00:54:44

So what is it like being a Black woman parenting Black children living in the suburbs? Like, what kinds of conversations are you having with your kids to navigate, like, all the shit going on right now?

Christy: 00:54:55

Yeah, we started at a really young age about talking about identity and not shying away from those conversations. My children, so my husband is white and I am half Black and half Puerto Rican. And so our kids are white presenting.

So they have a different kind of privilege than myself or even my husband has. So we've talked from a very young age of like, "hey, when people see mom, they think differently or they may act differently even."

As far as I remember, one day we were in a store and my child was like, "I really want this journal. I'm just going to tuck it in my coat." And I was like, "absolutely not." And they started welling up and I was like, we can't do that.

Because even if it's a joke, someone watching sees the color of my skin and thinks that I have malicious intent of stealing that. Even though you think it's a joke, even though it may not mean anything, just purely me being darker skin puts me in a lot more danger.

And the child was, I want to say, eight or nine when we had the conversation. And that wasn't the first conversation. That was just like the first in public situation.

So we've always had conversations, even with my son when I would take him to the library. When I first switched to being a stay at home mom, he was very fair skinned and I'm light skinned, but people would ask if I was the nanny.

Emily: 00:56:37

Wow.

Christy: 00:56:37

Taking him to the library. Storytime. "Oh, which, which child are you watching?"

And so just being honest with him after the fact of like, people don't see me as your mom all the time, even in a school. I had lunch with him and brought him snack and one of the parents was like, "oh, are you here to give services to one of the, one of the students?"

And I'm like, "no, that's my son." So I have not shied away from those conversations. I think it's important for my husband, being a white man, to hear those conversations.

He's been an advocate and a support from the very beginning, just making sure that the kids understand that people will look at me differently and will treat me differently than you, even though the same blood runs through our bodies. And then now more of our conversations have morphed from specifically race to also be gender inclusive and also address sexuality as well.

So helping my son understand that people will say things about girls not being able to do things or girls not having the skills or being strong enough.

And I think my experience as being one of the only Black women in engineering has equipped me to be able to tell him firsthand, like I've heard people say those things. And so they can come at these systemic issues with a lot more empathy, knowing that their mom has experienced them.

I am curious as they become preteens and teens, how much they will hear when people think that they're a safe place purely based on the color of their skin.

So I think we're entering an age for these two kids that they're going to have to stand up for themselves and for what they believe in, because people will purely judge them on the color of their skin and say, oh, they're safe place. I can make these comments. So we just continue to have those conversations in everyday life, at the dinner table, in the car.

We talk about them regularly, we read books, we share our experiences because we want, we want them to understand that it's going to be different for them.

Emily: 00:59:03

It sounds like you've equipped them very well for these conversations.

Christy: 00:59:08

Thanks.

Emily: 00:59:08

It sounds so challenging, but being direct with them and facing it head on. I don't know if past generations did that as much or if just other people with different personality types wouldn't be as direct about it.

So I'm glad you've been able to face it and have the tough conversations.

Christy: 00:59:25

Thank you. I think there's a misconception that kids aren't ready for those conversations.

And the fact of the matter is black girls and boys are having these conversations.

As early as 3 and 4, they're having these conversations and they're having to stand up to people in positions of authority who are their teachers as early as kindergarten. So kids can handle it. If black and brown kids, boys and girls can handle it, everyone can handle it.

Everyone's going to benefit from these conversations for sure.

Emily: 00:59:59

To end on a lighter note, let's talk about the joyful parts of parenting because we have a lot of tough conversations. The day to day can be really hard. But what parts of being a parent bring you joy?

Christy: 01:00:11

Seeing their funny personalities come out, watching, watching aspects of you or your spouse come out in your child can be, can be hilarious. Especially after the fact.

Hearing the things that they say and they pick up on and then just being able to have conversations as they grow older, you're just like, "this is a real human." I think we're at the point right now that I often look at my kids and I'm like, "how do I have an 11 and 14 year old?"

Because mentally I feel like I just graduated college. Like the time span has gone so fast. But experiencing life, just the laughter. My daughter being 14 or.

Oh, we're exposing them to so much of the TV that we grew up with. So Family Matters, we went through Full House. The kids loved Full House.

And watching that with my husband watching Boy Meets World, that was a big season of our life. They watched, we watched Family Matters, like, so reliving our childhood through them and being able to do it with them.

And again, having those conversations of like, "I know they said that. that's not appropriate right now." "I know, mom." And so much of those conversations our parents had with us watching these shows.

So it's just, it's funny, it's interesting, it's, it's nice, it's, it's fun to be in this new season of life.

Emily: 01:01:40

As a parent, it sounds like a fun season. I'm excited to see what my son gets into and what we'll be able to introduce him to and all that good stuff.

Christy: 01:01:48

He's always, he's already growing up so fast.

Emily: 01:01:50

Yeah. I can't believe he's 10 months old.

Christy: 01:01:52

I know.

Emily: 01:01:53

What the heck happened?

Christy: 01:01:54

I know.

Emily: 01:01:55

Yeah, he's in a little baby music class now and like making friends and it's just the cutest thing.

Christy: 01:02:00

So how about you? You've...it's been 10 months. What kind of big shift in joy has, have you seen from parents?

Emily: 01:02:07

Just so much more fun than the beginning. Like the newborn stage is hard enough. We had our medical stuff to deal with up front. Yeah, he was super jaundiced. He like took a steroid and was super cranky.

So this 10 month chapter where he's like climbing the stairs and yelling like, "ahhhhh!" like, while he crawls around, he's playing with the dogs, he's just definitely like has his own little personality coming out more and more. So I'm enjoying that aspect of it for sure.

He just started getting into books finally and like he's like "open, close, open," like just opening it over and over and like tapping on the illustrations. He really likes the illustrations, so that's. It's cool to see him get into.

Christy: 01:02:45

That, especially because you're such a big reader and advocate of literacy. So I love that.

Emily: 01:02:50

Yeah, I'm a big reader. My husband and I both love music and he really loves music.

Like, Tim's gotten the guitar out and played for him and he bounces and bounces, just like grinning and he'll come over and like slap the guitar and like get a little rhythm going. It's super cute.

Christy: 01:03:03

Oh, I love that.

Emily: 01:03:04

Yeah. So lots of fun moments happening.

Christy: 01:03:07

Yes.

Emily: 01:03:07

Yeah. Well, thank you for chatting with me today. It's been so nice to explore all of social media and the highs and lows of parenting. I so appreciate you taking the time, Christy.

Christy: 01:03:17

Thank you for having me. It's been so much fun to chat. It's always pleasure to spend time with you, Emily.

Narrator: 01:03:25

This has been a presentation of the Lunchador Podcast Network.